Red Green Meets Mummies Alive!
by Jesse Shearer
Summary: The Mummies and Presly go to Possum Lodge to hide from Scarab, who follows them. Mainly Red Green style humor involving the Mummies Alive cast.


A Note from the Author: Well, here's another Red Green crossover. I did one of these before, where the Animaniacs characters spent some time with Red Green and gang in Canada, and Red Green brought his friends to the Burbank area for awhile. This time I'm trying it with Mummies Alive!. It probably won't work even as well as the last one, which didn't work too well, I'm afraid. But here goes, all the same, I guess.  
  
Jesse Shearer Presents:  
"Red Green Meets Mummies Alive!"  
  
Cast:  
"The Red Green Show:"  
Red Green: leader of Possum Lake area chapter of the International Brotherhood of the Possum, aka Possum Lodge.  
  
Dalton Humphries: Owner of Humphries Everything Store, lodge member.  
  
Mike Hammer: Ex-con on probation, lodge member.  
  
Winston Rothschild: Owns Possum Lake's septic system dredging service, lodge member.  
  
Harold Green: Red's nephew, works at a bank in the Possum Lake area.  
  
Dale: Local gas station attendant.  
  
"Mummies Alive!:" Presley: A kid from San Francisco and the supposed reincarnation of Egyptian Prince Ramses.  
  
Jakal: Leader of the Egyptian Royal Guard to protect Prince Ramses; now a mummy.  
  
Armond, Nephertina, Raf: Other members of the Royal Guard; also mummies.  
  
Scarab: A 3500 year old wizard after the spirit of Prince Ramses for its immortality.  
  
Heka: A snake, Scarab's familiar.  
  
[Scene One: Ground level room of Possum Lodge clubhouse (empty except for clutter against back wall and tiny stuffed bear statue just off center). Red enters, stage right.]  
  
Red: Man, something odd's going on in town, and Harold's still working in the big city. There's a bunch of people dressed up as mummies running around downtown with some kid; and then there's this odd ventriloquist fella that uses some sorta live snake as a dummy.  
  
[Dalton Humphries walks in]  
  
Dalton: I'd hold off on that one for a bit if I were you, Red.  
  
Red: Oh? Why's that?  
  
[Scarab comes in, carrying Heka (snake)]  
  
Dalton: He wants to join the lodge. Said something about giving us all immortality if we help him find some kid.  
  
Scarab: Yes. Find me the child with the spirit of Ramses and I will give you all immortality!  
  
Red: We'll certainly help you find the kid, if he or she's in the area. Of course, this whole immortality thing'll have to apply to my wife Bernice, too. She almost spits venom if I leave her out of good deals.  
  
Heka: Watch your step, old one!  
  
Red:[to Dalton] How do you s'pose he does that, anyway?  
[Fish wipe left to scene two]  
  
[Scene two: Summertime on the shore of Possum Lake. Pan left to Red]  
  
Red: A Summer Poem, by me:  
The sun is shining on  
The lake, full of fish. Why can't I  
Catch one? Stupid fishes...  
[Jumpcut to scene three: Red is still in ground level room at Possum Lodge clubhouse, but Dalton, Scarab, and Heka have left. Mike Hammer enters with the mummies and Presley.]  
  
Red:[noticing Mike and others enter] New friends, Mike?  
  
Mike: Yeah. This is Presley, and his friends Jakal, Raf, Nephertina, and Armond.  
  
Red:[shaking hands with all] Well! Welcome to Possum Lodge. I hope you'll enjoy your stay.  
  
Jakal: We hope to, Mr. Green.  
  
Red: Red, please.  
  
Raf: As you wish, Red. Has a man by the name of Scarab been here, by chance?  
  
Red: Well, Dalton Humphries was just here with a tall fella that had a snake and needed some sun, but they left for Dalton's shop about a half hour ago.  
  
Armond: Do they have food there?  
  
Mike: Food? Heck no, Dalton only sells junk.  
  
Raf: Junk? Like what?  
  
Red: Oh, broken toasters, parts off old machines, that sorta stuff. He's got just about everything. In fact, that's what it's called: Humphries' Everything Store.  
  
Jakal: We must go to this Store of Everything. How do we get there?  
  
Red: Just take the highway north for about half a mile...  
  
[Mummies and Presly run out, Red and Mike look at each other and follow a second later]  
  
[Duck decoys in V formation wipe to scene three]  
[Scene three: Red has Possum Van at gas station, talking with attendant]  
  
Red: So, what's your take on these visitors of ours, Dale?  
  
Dale: Well, I don't know about that guy with the snake, but the folks with the kid seem OK.  
  
Red: Yeah, met them. They're good.  
  
Dale: You shoulda seen their car. That thing must have at least a 500 horse engine in it. Funny looking thing, though, even compared to this van of yours, Mr. Green. Looked sorta Egyptian or something...  
  
Red: You're flooding my tank, Dale.  
  
Dale: Huh? Oh, sorry about that...  
  
[Red's face as wipe to scene four]  
[Scene four: Mike and Red enter ground floor room at Possum Lodge clubhouse, stage right]  
  
Mike: Wow. They sure blew outa here, didn't they, Mr. Green?  
  
Red: They sure did, Mike. It's a good thing the town cop was asleep. Don't think he had much chance of catching them anyway, though...  
  
[Winston Rothschild enters, dressed in usual chest waders and tan shirt with hardhat and rubber gloves, stage right.]  
  
Winston: A bunch of guys in some weird mummy-type getup just about ran me and my truck off the road. And that was some car they had, too. Must have been doing a hundred easy. There's never a cop around when you need one, eh?  
  
Red: Well, Winston, he could have gotten them. He was sittin' right outside the lodge when they left. Good thing he was asleep, too. Otherwise he would have had to do some actual police work.  
  
Winston: True. Where were they zipping off to like that anyway?  
  
Mike: Dalton's. I guess they were going to go help their friend the snake guy look at junk.  
  
Red: We'd better get over there, and fast, I think.  
  
[Gas can drops to center of screen and explodes to reveal black and white home-movie view of clear space, presumably at Dalton's junkyard for scene 5]  
  
[Scene five: Black and white home movie view of setting described above, with elevator music playing in background. Red in voiceover.]  
  
Red:[V/O] Well, anyway, for today's adventure, Winston, Mike, and I went down to Dalton's and found him in one of the few clear spots at the Everything Store. He was there with that Scarab fella. I guess we found them before those people dressed as mummies, but they showed up a few seconds after we did. [Mummies come in, see Scarab and transform to battle mode.] Really freaky there. Then, snakeboy did the same. [Dalton passes out from seeing Scarab go to battle mode.] The rest of us were like "get up, there, Dalton." [No one notices that Heka's nowhere to be found. Jump to shot of Mike's leg, Heka starts wrapping around and climbing up. Jump up to twoshot of Mike and Red.] Of course, when that snake started climbing Mike's leg, none of us had noticed and thought it was just the wind. So we all sorta scattered to avoid getting hit because of the fight. Mike and I wound up going the same direction while Dalton, who must have come around while we were discussing the wind, headed off the other way with Winston. [Jump to shot of Heka coming up on Mike's shoulder] That's when I noticed the snake coming up on Mike's shoulder. In retrospect, it was probably a bad idea to tell him, because he started beating it on the ground like a whip. [Shot of Mike whipping Heka on ground, head first] After we got him to drop the snake, we all just ran and didn't look back, which was probably a good thing...  
  
[Jump to scene six]  
[Scene six: Red, Dalton, and Mike are standing in the upstairs room of Possum Lodge, discussing the adventure (scene five)]  
  
Red: Well, we're really gonna get it for this one, Mike. Cobras like that are hard to come by.  
  
Mike:[dejected] I know, Red. I really feel bad about that. I just hope I didn't wind up killing it. That's a nice snake.  
  
Dalton: I looked that particular species up in my pet guide before I came back to the lodge. Fifty thousand dollars is considered cheap.  
  
Mike: It scared me, and I overreacted. I didn't really think about what I was doing at the time.  
  
[Scarab comes in, carrying Heka, who has a medical tape "X" right between the eyes.]  
  
Scarab: You fools! I lost the boy when you ran off! Now what will I do?  
  
Mike: I'm sorry. That was my fault. I'd like to make it up if I could.  
  
Heka: I like him...  
  
Scarab: Oh, be quiet and let me think. Where could they go to hide in this area?  
  
Red: Well, they might be in town. My nephew Harold might know some places to look. I could go talk to him if you'd like.  
  
Scarab: Yes. Please do. I'll continue looking here.  
  
Heka: I like the old one's fuzzy face...  
  
Red: So does my wife.  
  
Scarab:[leaving scene] We'll also have to get you some rest, Heka. [out of scene]  
  
[Mummies and Presly enter shortly thereafter.]  
  
Jakal: Red! Mike! Dalton! Thank you! You helped us keep our prince safe against Scarab once again.  
  
Red: Well, that was sort of an accident, really. The snake scared Mike.  
  
Raf: No matter. Whatever it was, it worked.  
  
Nepertina: Yeah. That was a really great move, Mike. Where did you learn it?  
  
Mike: One of my dads taught me that.  
  
Red: When did you have to learn snake handling?   
Mike: I didn't. That was how you swing a pipe when you're trying to break a hole in the floor.  
  
Red: But anyway, I was just on my way to see my nephew Harold. He can probably tell us about some hiding places. Maybe one of you would like to come? He's just downtown here.  
  
Jakal: How about Armond and I go with you while our friends stay here with Presley.  
  
Armond: Maybe we could stop for burgers on the way back.  
  
Red: Sounds like a plan.  
  
[Scene seven opens with a few seconds of a shot of the Possum Van outside an office building of some sort and then jumps inside for a middle shot of Harold at his desk, on the phone with a manager.]  
  
Harold: Right. OK. By three o'clock tomorrow. I'll get it done. Uh-huh. Yes sir. [hangs up.] [Red, Jakal, and Armond come in stage left.]  
  
Red: Harold! We need some advice.  
  
Harold: What is it this time, Uncle Red? Woah! Whooahoa! Who are those guys?  
  
Red: Just a couple of guys looking for a place to lay low for awhile. I just thought you'd know a few places.  
  
Harold: No! I will not tell you any of my hiding places. Even though I'm not coming back to the lodge for a good long time, I might need them some day.  
  
Jakal: There's a very bad man with a snake after us.  
  
Red: And besides, they have a ladyfriend with them.  
  
Harold: Duh, well in that case, there's the wood shed across the road from Old Man Sedgewick's place.  
  
Jakal: Thank you, young man. Perhaps someday you can meet our other friends.  
  
[Harold gets all jittery.] [Scene ends.]  
  
[Scene eight: Mike's Teen Talk. Mike Hammer enters scene dragging wrench about three feet long across room with a podium. Notices audience.]  
  
Mike:[looks at watch] Oh, it's time for Mike's Teen Talk. [Drops wrench, steps up to podium.] I guess with today's goings-on, it would be good to talk about what to do when creepy guys start following you around. Now, the first thing to remember is that when creepy guys start following you is to go get help as soon as you can. This will make things easier for everyone. Once the cops get the guy, he'll probably get the thing he needs the most: professional help. Or at least jail time. See, these guys are usually trying to steal things from you. But at your age, that's usually not worth all the trouble. So, if you see a creepy guy following you, go get help. It'll make life better for everyone. [Looks at watch again.] I guess that's it.  
  
[Jump to scene nine.]  
[Scene nine: Red, alone in ground level of Possum Lodge clubhouse.]  
  
Red: Well, it's been an interesting couple days here at the lodge, what with those mummies and that wizard guy and his snake. Guess they'll be around for awhile. That'll sure make life more interesting...  
  
[Jakal and Presley come in.]  
  
Red: How's it going guys? Still coming to the meeting tonight?  
  
Jakal: Yes, Red, we're still planning on being at your gathering. Unfortunately, we must leave soon after.  
  
Red: Oh really? Why's that?  
  
Presley: Scarab'll just wind up wrecking the town.  
  
Jakal: And while Possum Lake is certainly a nice place, it is no safer for us than San Francisco. We would hate to see the town ruined.  
  
Red: I guess Possum Lake'll just be its same old self then. Too bad you're going, though. We'll all miss you.  
  
Presley:[dashes over and hugs Red] Thanks for all the fun, Mr. Green.  
  
Red:[looking supprized] Gladly, gladly. That's what we're here for.  
  
Jakal: We must go now, young prince. The others are waiting and the gathering will begin shortly.  
  
Red: See you there.  
  
[Jakal and Presley leave through door, stage left.]  
  
Red: Well, if my wife Bernice is reading this fanfic, I'll be home after the meeting; and I guess since the mummies are leaving, so's their friend with the snake, so you don't have to worry about cobra bites after all. To the rest of you, from all the guys here at the lodge, and our visitors, too, I guess, thanks for reading and keep your stick on the ice. [raises left hand and waves for a few seconds then leaves through door stage left. Scene shifts to basement room full of lodge members, who are all being seated. Red comes in and sits with Mike, Dalton, and the mummies at the front of the room.]  
  
Red: All rise. [All stand up, raise left hand to shoulder hight, same with right, put hands on opposite shoulders.]  
  
All: Quando Omni Flunkus Morti.[All sit again, bow heads]  
  
Red: Let's all say the Men's Prayer.  
  
All: I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess.  
  
[Scarab comes in with Heka.]  
  
Scarab: I will have immortality...  
  
Red: That's nice...  
  
[S&S Productions logo comes on screen.]  
Red Green Show copyright S&S Productions, 1999  
Mummies Alive copyright DIC Productions, 1997  
  
Story by Jesse Shearer, completed 6/6/2000  
  
  
  
  
  
--New Segment--  
  
Web Explorer, with your host, Jesse Shearer.  
A parody of Star Gazer with Jack Horkheimer.  
  
Greetings, greetings, fellow Netizens. I've decided I probably need a new gimmick to maintain whatever small amount of reader interest I may have, so here it is. At the ends of stories like this one, I'll try to put in a Web Explorer segment, where I tell you about an interesting web site or two that I've found. For the premier issue, I'm going for three: one that will give you access to some information about the Red Green Show; one about Mummies Alive; and one about Jack Horkheimer's Star Gazer.  
  
First on the list is Red Green. Go to www.pbs.org and hit either the "Programs A-Z" link and find the Red Green Show there or the "Search" link and go through that.. There, you can find character info, an episode guide, and many other fun things about The Red Green Show and all the guys up at the lodge.  
  
Next, let's swing by Jack Horkheimer's page. Go to www.jackstargazer.com, and you'll find a wealth of wonderful information about this five-minute show about naked-eye astronomy. Amongst the items to be found are links to scripts for present and past shows and even comics. Whether these are available for print in your local newspaper, I can't recall, but I'm sure the site will say. Also available is information about getting Star Gazer on your local PBS station. Star Gazer is a production of WPBT/Miami Public Television and the Miami Museum of Science and the Space Transit Planetarium.  
  
Lastly, Mummies Alive. Try out www.geocities.com/hollywood/2103. Here, you'll find a wealth of information about the characters and some fanfics. I haven't really had a chance to fully explore the site as of the date of writing this, but what I did see was fun. I think you'll enjoy it. Especially nice is the background music.  
  
A final note: this advertising is unsolicited, and I will not receive any reward for it, other than knowing that I've helped some sites I find especially useful and/or fun. All information contained on these sites is copyright its proper owner.  
  
Thank you for your time, fellow Netizens. I hope all this has been enjoyable for you, as it has been for me. [Makes Vulcan salute with right hand.] Live long and prosper. (copyright Paramount Pictures.)  
  
Contact the author at: ambasosor_lardo@hotmail.com  
Or: JMShearer@aol.com  
And see his (crappy) website at: www.sdstate.edu/~z2bd/http/assignment.html  
  
  
  



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